WHAT TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU’VE BEEN CHEATED ON
Can a relationship survive an affair? The short answer is “yes.” In many cases, it’s possible with a lot of hard work. But in other cases, the odds are stacked against you, and sometimes, a relationship isn’t worth saving. As we discussed on The Daily Buzz, here are some things you should consider if your partner has cheated on you:
How much do you have invested in the relationship?
If you’ve only been together for a few months, it’s probably better to cut and run. If cheating is happening this soon, there are fundamental problems with your partner than you don’t need to be responsible for – and it’s very likely the infidelity will happen again. But, on the other hand, if you’ve been married for a decade, or if you have children together, you have a lot more riding on the relationship. In a case like that, it might be worth seeing if the relationship can recover from the betrayal – if this is the first time such a betrayal has happened.
Is your relationship truly happy?
There are many different reasons people cheat, and sometimes, cheating doesn’t actually reflect the state of the relationship. The decision to cheat on a partner or spouse is selfish, mean and weak, and if you’ve been cheated on, you can’t blame yourself. But at the same time, cheating is often a reaction to longstanding unhappiness within a relationship; sometimes, a person cheats because deep down, he or she is hoping to get caught so that they don’t have to do the hard work of an actual breakup. So before deciding whether or not to make a relationship work, try to determine whether you and your partner are happy overall and whether both of you actually want to heal the wounds the cheating has created. There are ups and downs in every relationship, but if you’ve been miserable for as long as you can remember, and there aren’t kids involved, do you really want to salvage it? If the answer is still yes, it may be time to see a relationship counselor; the affair may have been the wake-up call you both needed.
Is the cheater truly sorry?
An apology is a start, but it’s merely a first step. Beyond that, what’s the person really apologizing for? Is it because he or she got caught and feels like an idiot? Or is it genuine shame and remorse? Ask yourself how the apology feels. Is it just words? Or is the other person full of regret? Is he or she offering to do anything to make it up to you? Make sure the apology is genuine; if it’s not, there’s a problem.
Was it a one-time thing?
Cheating is cheating…. But I think a one-night stand, while terrible, is very different than a continuous, long-term affair. There’s no justification for a one-night stand, of course, but people make stupid mistakes sometimes, especially when there’s alcohol involved. An ongoing affair, however, is a very different thing. It’s not one moment of bad judgment; it’s a pattern of rationalization. If someone can continue to rationalize this sort of behavior, something has shifted in that person’s head. So while you have every right to be furious, hurt and devastated by either situation, I’d be a lot more concerned about the second scenario, because it demonstrates a pattern and a way of thinking – as opposed to a huge one-time error in judgment.
Kristin Harmel has written six novels about relationships, including Italian for Beginners and The Art of French Kissing.
