Some people try to sabotage a relationship even before it starts. The person they are seeing has all the character traits they want and there's great chemistry, yet the commitment phobe already has it in their head that it won't work out! Rather than being afraid of getting hurt, you have to put yourself out there. This is much easier said than done, but once you are ready to have a healthy relationship, you will be ready to commit.
Steve Siebold, author of the book 177 Mental Toughness Secrets of The World Class, says commitment is everything, especially in relationships. Steve says commitment is more about making a decision to do whatever it takes to succeed than anything else. “The most successful relationships are built on a solid commitment between two people.” He adds, “If one person is holding back and doesn't want to make a commitment to another person, it will never work.”
If You're Afraid Of Committing
Steve suggests the following:
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Figuring out why you are so afraid of commitment is key. Write down what's holding you back, your exact thoughts that come to mind when you think of making a commitment. Change any negative and unrealistic thoughts to positive ones that reflect reality.
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The commitment phobic person needs to grow up emotionally. If he or she finds Mr. or Mrs. Right, and they want it to work, they will have to make a do-or-die commitment to the relationship. It's all or nothing!
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Make a list of all the things you want in your life. If a spouse, partner and lifelong relationship are included in that list, your thoughts, actions, beliefs and philosophies need to match.
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Take it slow. You don't need to jump into marriage right away. Do things to slowly move closer to this. Move in together if your religious beliefs don't get in the way; spend time with each other’s families, and whatever else it takes to make you feel more comfortable.
If you're dating a commitment phobe, author Jen Hancock explains that patience is important. She shared her personal story; “I was extremely reluctant to take my relationship with my husband to the next level. He was simply patient with me and didn't take my coming and going personally.”
She adds, “Granted, I was coming out of an abusive relationship turned stalking and my issue wasn't with commitment, it was an overriding fear that if I allowed him in he would turn into a monster the same way the last guy had.”
She says, “He didn't and I'm glad he was so patient with me. He told me he loved me after our first vacation together and I simply got in my car and drove away! I got home and was laughing about it, but my housemate made me call him. My husband was ok, he understood who I was and that I was scared. He just waited me out and I'm so glad he did. Heck - I even broke up with him for a time, and he was patient.”
Commitment is a discomfort, unfamiliarity, and fear of intimate attachment to those who are afraid to settle down, explains Dr. Fran Walfish.
“Most of these individuals find subtle (or not so subtle) ways of keeping another person at bay," says Walfish. "Sometimes, they draw the other person close then when it feels too close, an unconscious feeling, they do something to push the other person back.”"
“An unconscious feeling is one that automatic - without thought. It's a reflexive response to the individual's deep discomfort. These people do not intend to hurt the other. But, it is a rejection that injures the other person.”
Dealing With Someone Who's Afraid To Commit
There are ways to help your significant other if he or she is reluctant towards commitment. Dr. Walfish’s tips to help the commitment-phobe include the following:
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Raise the person's awareness. The unconscious must be brought forth to self exploration and awareness.
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The individual must express and demonstrate an honest desire to change.
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Commit to working with a skilled psychotherapist to facilitate and sustain change.
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Create open communication and dialogue in the couple which includes accountability. This means the person must own up to a character flaw or limitation and be willing to say things like, "Uh, oh, there I go again". This makes it easier for the pair to stay connected in the moment. Talking is the glue that holds relationships together.
What are some one your personal stories? Were you once afraid to commit, but realized you didn’t want to lose a special someone?
